I dont even know where to begin…bottom line is that after a 4/5 hour journey to Cebu then a 7 hour wait in Cebu hospital to see a neurologist and get her to sign me off in order for me to dive, she couldn’t. This means I am now not allowed to dive or complete any of my courses that were planned. All the work, revision, saving, preparing that I have been doing since July last year has just turned to dust in the space of a 10 minute appointment. Not to mention I also used pretty much all my savings on top of this.

Imagine you’re an artist, youve created a piece of work that is everything to you and then it gets burned; or a musician that has spent years perfecting songs and suddenly theyre all gone and you have to start again. There is no worse feeling than that.

Obviously it hit me like a tonne of bricks at first, I had my big cry and call to my parents (but suprisingly no panic attack), I’m still not 100% sure if its sunk in but this is my dream and I am not giving up; which, for me, is a massive thing to say because if this happened a few years ago I would of completely given up, smoked my feelings away and gone back into a state of anxiety/depression. I don’t want that to happen again, I’ve had enough of anxiety taking control of my life.

I can’t help but blame myself as none of this would of happened if I just looked after myself during university, but you can’t change the past; only do what you can to move onwards and upwards in order to reach your goal.

It’s been a tough and expensive growing up realisation but I’m somewhat thankful as I needed to grow up and take responsibility for my actions and I definitely feel more mature and more myself than I have ever felt, which I guess is a positive considering how shit this whole situation has been.

My tips for anyone experiencing anything similar would be:

1. Look after yourself

2. Make sure you keep on top of your appetite

3. Don’t keep things to yourself; theres people there to support you, whether its a close friend or someone you hardly speak to.

4. Listen to your mum (she is always right no matter what you think)

5. You are stronger than your anxiety

6. There is always a solution for everything, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

7. Never give up on what you want and never let anyone get in the way of what you want, no matter how important they are to you.

Aside from all the bad news, I have basically been accepted onto an internship in Mozambique from July to photo ID/data collection of whales, dolphins and turtles, where I can also use my whale watching guide qualifiation to take small groups out snorkelling with the dolphins which I’m really happy about and if all goes to plan, come back to Malapascua soon after that to complete my Divemaster if all goes well with the neurologist at home.

Now just taking a few days off in Moalboal to relax, do some of the best snorkelling I have ever done, swim with thousands of sardines and hopefully some turtles. I was meant to be doing a freediving course while here, but with the same situation for diving, I couldnt get signed off to do so. But we have the ocean and the most beautiful reefs on the door step of where we are staying and considering everything, I feel happy, content and can’t wait to see my parents in a week, as well as being ready to work my ass off when I get home in order to get back to the ocean.

But hey, at least I can snorkel and mermaid around🌊💙

3 thoughts on “Heartbreak

  1. Beautifully put, Never give up on your dreams babe, you got this! There is often an obstacle in our paths, but we just have to find a way round it, over it, under it, whatever it takes! I’m living proof it can be done! (Just ask your mum) 🌹 I think you’re totally amazing! Have a lovely time enjoying yourself now and take in some of the Amazing sights and beauty! You got this! 🙏😘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending lots of love to you, I know how hard this can be but you’re so positive about it that everything will be okay! 🙂 Beautiful pictures too !! Love.

    Liked by 1 person

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