I know its been a while. I apologize but as you know I had to really get my shit together since coming back to the UK (and go on another holiday lol).
First thing was first: See a neurologist, a different one, that would actually listen to what I had to say, and he did. He cleared me of the epilepsy label, its gone!! I was feeling annoyed at being mis-diagnosed, feeling like my last 2 years have been put on hold a bit (anxiety u bitch), but why did I need to think that…I just got cleared. The anxiety tears did turn into happy tears, but seriously, look after yourself because the feeling of nearly having your dream taken away is something I can’t explain. But hey ho, learnt my lesson now..
Amsterdam: Not gonna go into this because what happens in Dam stays in Dam but had the best time with my mermaids. Was so sad to say goodbye, but such a needed reunion before we head in different directions again. Here’s us being tourists ft. dive signal (can you guess which one?) cause why not.
British Divers Marine Life Rescue: Qualified as a Marine Mammal Medic for BDMLR, where the day itself was so much fun & I learnt a lot.
Okay so here comes the more sensitive subject. I feel like mental health will always be apart of you if you’ve ever experienced it, but even though that sounds bad, its not because it can be controlled once you get to the right place and it almost gives you reminders of how far you’ve come because you may react to something fine, or in some cases not react to something, that in the past would of made you feel crap, which to me is a huge acheivement and it should be for you too.
London has been getting to me: Everyone knows I’m not a city girl and especially since the whole fiasco in the Phillipines, my ‘craving’ for diving just got worse because I had to leave. Seeing everyone else there as well & knowing I still could of been there but wasn’t because I was stupid did really get to me the first couple of weeks back, and seeing others jetting off round the world, yet I’m back somewhere I really don’t want to be. The only thing keeping me going is keeping myself busy seeing people. FYI – Cherish your friends because if they’re anything like mine then don’t let them go.
Yeah long distance sucks: Its hard. But it’s all gonna be worth it. To be honest I never thought I’d be able to do long distance, especially how I was a few years ago, but I’m dealing with it SO much better than I thought, I guess it all just depends on the person, and cheesy but, I don’t care, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been at this point in life & that’s all that matters.
Why haven’t I be feeling sad? I ask myself this a lot because I’m still not used to feeling this okay and happy all the time. Like even when I do get sad on the rare occasion now, it doesn’t last long and it sounds stupid but I don’t always know how that makes me feel because I was so used to one drop of sadness spreading for hours or ruining my whole day, I was used to it I guess. I’ve also been communicating a lot more with my friends and family which is actually really great, highly recommend. Although I am gutted about leaving my pals, first time feeling myself in years but we don’t get to see each other much but cherishing those moments we do get.
Why am I randomly talking about mental health? I was tidying (I know, shock) and I came across one of my old Insomnia diaries from basically the height of the mental health issues. I knew I needed to do another blog but reading what I wrote, I just had an urge to talk about it. Like, I’m nervous posting this and it may be hard to read but I would never wish these feelings on anyone & if it makes just one person talk or think about talking about their mental health then I’m game.
I really from the bottom of my heart urge anyone who has ever felt or still feels like this to talk to someone. Whoever. Overthinking is physically & mentally exhausting and people care more than you think. I know I wrote about them going away but in fact, they weren’t away. I was making myself think that. I hear now from Mum how they still asked after me, asked how I was. Comforting but also made me think because I never asked.. So yeah don’t get me wrong I still blame myself for the years of distance but true people are still with you no matter how many years apart.
Counselling helps (if you can’t talk to a loved one): I know I probably sound like a mum but yeah, it helps. Scary at first, but honestly, I don’t think I’d be where I am today if I didn’t go through it. And I know I’ve admitted anxiety a few times but since I’ve been back the only time I’ve felt anxious was before the doctors; since then it’s almost like its gone.
FRIENDS & FAMILY ARE GREAT! Talk to them, cherish them, respect them, love them and there for them if they need you too.
Whats next you ask? Off again obviously…this time to Mozambique to be with Dolphin Encountours Research Centre & lots of dolphins. It feels so good to finally be able to something more ‘marine biology’ but also where I can finally use my degree <3. It’s been a quick time back. I’m not gonna lie there’s been times where I’ve been so lazy or have just been sleeping the days away to make them go quicker, then suddenly its next week. But I’ve got most things sorted now so it’s all good. It’s going to be tough but amazing 3 months. Then off to Bali in October after coming home for 3 days for Mum to do my washing 🙂 then Philippines from Bali to finally do my dive master!!1! and go back to Moalboal because I think I left my heart there last time so gotta retrieve that. (more on these later in the year).
There will 100% be more posts in the upcoming 3 months cause lets be honest, who doesn’t love photos of dolphins (sorry not sorry for the quantity I post, I’m gonna be one excited Cass).
Until next time ladz🤙🏼